This weekend I had my first hug with a grown up in three months. This weekend I sunk into my mother’s arms and cried. In many ways I am more fortunate than many, falling within the group given permission by Boris Johnson to ‘bubble’ with another family by virtue of my single parent status.

I didn’t intend to post about this incredibly special occasion as I thought there would be people thinking it unfair that I can hug my parents but they cannot, and I wanted to avoid resentment and jealousy.

But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to share my experience, one that I suspect many single parents, and a fair number of ‘together’ parents will relate to.

Physical touch is one of the five love languages, and if you know me, you will know how important hugs, or even just hand or arm squeezes, are to me. On Sundays at church, I stock up on hugs and squeezes with my grown-up friends to last the week, without much semblance of a social life, gaining a midweek hug or two is an unusual but very lovely bonus!

Hugs at church have been my main source of physical contact with other adults throughout the whole of the last decade, topped up by the odd hug with a friend during the week if I ‘got out’, or hugs with family members when I was able to see them. Going into lockdown completely cut off my supply.

If being a parent is really hard, being a single parent is incredibly tough. In the lockdown environment, any support network disappears, and suddenly it is you alone with ‘them’. Whether it is unsettled toddlers, over active youngsters or grunting, moody teenagers, there is no double teaming, dividing and conquering, no adult supervision whilst you grab a nap, walk or bath. Any more than one child and you are instantly outnumbered, outgunned and, at times, outsmarted.

And then there’s home school – trying to ensure they are working hard and fully engaged with their school work, and not fighting, arguing, swinging off the banister, spending the day depressed in bed, transfixed by Minecraft, mindlessly watching YouTube, or turning your kitchen into something that looks like a scene from Independence Day, all whilst convincing your boss that you’re putting in the work hours you are being paid for at the expected standard, trying to prevent colleagues overhearing your kids yelling at each other whilst you are attending a video meeting, and working out how you can make lockdown a positive experience for your kids to remember.

Forget the romanticised TV and social media adverts suggesting everyone has had an amazing lockdown experience – bonding over times tables, creating paper mache space stations together, turning your house into an adventure playground, inventing new family dances, becoming master chefs, daily family bike rides or jogs around the park… all they do is make you feel like a big parenting failure. That feeling of failure is very real. Of course, I *know* how TV adverts are put together and that a ‘real life’ advert would probably sell very little product. I *know* most people use social media to reflect only the Instagram-worthy moments of life. But *sigh* it still makes me feel like I suck at parenting. Thanks media.

Very few people go into parenthood intending to be a single parent. For me it is about as far from my dream of family life as you can get. I love my children dearly, but as a people person, I find it excruciatingly isolating. As a creative and energetic person, I find it exhausting. TV and social media adverts portraying perfect family activities during lockdown just rub salt in the wound. As a result, I pace myself with my media use, although I do love seeing updates from my friends and their families – however perfect or imperfect their lives appear to be!

I am sure it is not just single parents who realise the reality to the adverts is very different – it looks more like teenagers who can’t see the point to doing anything, who are bored out of their brains yet resist any attempt at family activity; emails from teachers wondering why your little angels haven’t submitted the work that they have assured you they are up to date on (promise); a backlog of work-related emails as work piles up faster than you can blink, family gardening, baking or craft sessions that are going well if just one child engages for more than ten seconds…

I have been very lucky – I have had work. I was redeployed to run the regional incident room four days in eight, working from home on my contracted job in between shifts. As an NHS keyworker I had priority access to shops (if I could face the embarrassment of queue barging – which I couldn’t), and a degree of school provision for when I was on duty. I went into an NHS building four days in every 8, where there were a handful of other people (all 2m apart) so I ‘saw’ humans! I could have intelligent face to face conversations and a break from grunt-like responses and constant refereeing of the latest disagreement!

But that doesn’t make up for the hug of a loved one. The squeeze that says, “don’t worry, I’m here – we’ll get through this together.” I know that not all married couples have that either, and I hope that if that is the case for you, you have found ways to support each other during this time. Perhaps, like me, you have had your faith to keep you going, the knowledge that God is in your corner and has everything in hand (I honestly don’t know how I would cope without that!). But whatever your experience, please don’t begrudge us single parents a hug from a family member in our newly extended ‘bubble,’ It is greatly needed and long overdue!