You’ll be able to see from the dates of these blogs that I have been writing on and off for a number of years. But I’ve only just made the website live. Why?

For many years I have been plagued by two things stopping me. ‘Am I any good?’ And ‘isn’t creating a blog, publishing my work, or speaking creating a platform to make myself the centre of attention?’

Oddly enough, ‘is this really what God wants me to do’ has never been a question stopping me – I have never doubted his words to me about writing and communicating, which have come in many ways and been confirmed numerous times over many years.

Despite being confident that God was calling me in this area, I was still impeded by these other concerns. It was only recently I realised that if this was really of God, then ‘am I any good?’ is an extremely daft question. I know from experience in other things, that if God wants you to do something and you are obedient and take that step, everything else you need follows – including skill!

So with that issue cleared up, the much greater obstacle still remained. A seed of doubt planted unwittingly by someone in leadership many years before, had put down roots inside me and refused to budge. Surely pushing myself forward for anything is attention seeking, and all about me? Even in church meetings if I feel God has given me a word to bring, I second guess and question myself and my motives constantly. It’s a clever trick of the enemy to make me ineffective.

It’s only been very recently, after God’s nudging me to write was becoming increasingly frequent and rather more difficult to ignore, that he changed my perspective entirely.

In 1 Corinthians 9:16, Paul says:

“For when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, since I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!” (NIV)

Or in a different version:

“If I spread the good news, I have nothing to brag about because I have an obligation to do this. How horrible it will be for me if I don’t spread the Good News!” (God’s Word Translation)

If God has given me things to say, then I cannot brag because I have an obligation to speak. And what if I don’t? Woe to me, how horrible! Sounds pretty awful!

Mark 1: 38  Jesus said to them, “Let’s go somewhere else, to the small towns that are nearby. I have to spread the Good News in them also. This is why I have come.”

Jesus said he has come to spread the good news. We are called to be like Jesus, so what higher calling can we have than to communicate his love? In Matthew 28:19-20, Jesus himself instructs us to make disciples of all people, and teach them to do everything he has commanded us.

In Matthew 5:15 Jesus says “Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.”

We aren’t designed to be silent, to hide under a bowl. We are designed to be on a stand, so that the world can see Jesus.

I realised that what was stopping me was fear of what would people think of me (more so than what they would think of my writing). The fear of man. The fear of failure. It was crippling. And it was disobedient to God.

That was the clincher. By not sharing anything I was writing, I was doing the very thing I was trying to avoid. By staying silent in case I got it wrong or lifted myself up and not God up, thereby displeasing him, I was actually and actively disobeying God.

As God was showing me all this, I had some music on shuffle play in the background and the song ‘Lion’ by Elevation Worship was playing. More specifically the lyrics ‘prepare the way, prepare the way of the Lord’ were being repeated over and over.

We are called to prepare the way of the Lord. To prepare the way for his return. And we can’t do this by staying silent. As Mordecai told Esther:

“If you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

By staying silent, I was disobeying what God was saying to me. His plan would still be fulfilled, but I was writing myself out of my part in it, or talking myself into a smaller part than he was inviting me to play.

I sometimes feel I have wasted my time on earth by plodding in circles in a desert-like existence with my head buried in the sand for many years, not fulfilling God’s plans for my life. At other times I feel regret over the occasions I have gone down the wrong path, been disobedient and let temptation get the better of me.

But I no longer dwell on those thoughts. Despite me, God still thinks I am wonderful, God has forgiven me, and God still has plans for me. Good plans. Things he has prepared in advance for me to do. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.

But I do need to be obedient.

So here’s step one. Making this website live. I’m not sure what comes next. More blogs for starters almost definitely – I have a queue of ideas I need to find the time for.  They may be good, they may not. That’s not the point. The point is that we need to be obedient to the call of God on our lives and not let any lie of the enemy, or any fear of failure, or any past regrets, stop us from marching on.